Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. lets_be_honest Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Losing the . I was thinking this too. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Cool! And so does dad. honeybeenicki July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. Also, help them find a mutual interest. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. Thats still not OK. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. I just dont get it. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. LW, you and your husband are a team. Really not sure why I waited so long. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. So, so not like me. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Hilary Duff has always come clean about her parenting journey over the years. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. My parents listened to Oldies. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. Liquid Luck I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. lets_be_honest I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. bittergaymark July 2, 2013, 1:12 pm, It wasnt deliberate. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. Sometimes those things just happen. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. To care for our two young kids. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. I was so annoyed! You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? lets_be_honest In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! I second this. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. I agree weddings can be stupid . painted_lady Is it forcing or is it parenting? Im peace-ing out. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. And he is a loyal friend. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. I have to agree. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. lets_be_honest One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. By virtue of him going about his business, I was interested and wanted to participate. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. They wouldnt do that, would they? I know from personal experience. Youre right, though. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. Hmm, maybe. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Who knows? Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. Good stuff all around! Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. I got a very different vibe from this. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). , so i guess it cuts both ways. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. Exactly! Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. Dream! She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. bittergaymark And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. as well, which is probably why this struck a chord with me. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. So insightful! Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . From one mom to another. The thing that really gets me is that my brother, who is not very bookish, isnt doing that well in his classes and only my mother seems to care. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like.
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